I have a name. So I get jittery when people call me ‘dear’. Unless they’re my mother or grandmother.
But it’s not just ‘dear’; it’s also ‘girl’, ‘ma’, ‘aunty’, ‘mevrou’, etc. These all rub me the wrong, unfashionable way. It makes me wonder when I’ll ever become detached and just let it all roll over me. When will it stop irritating me so much when someone calls me ‘mevrou’?
My un-Zenness, however, is not what I want to explore today; what I want to explore is how often other people object to my preferences. How they tell me that they call everyone ‘girl’ and how they mean nothing by calling me ‘girl’. They’ll then tell me they think of themselves as a ‘boy’, at which point I’ll raise my eyebrows. Now, this is something I don’t enjoy doing: it perpetuates wrinkles.
This leaves me with some things to ponder at night just before I shut down my netbook: why do these people get so defensive when I tell them that I ain’t a ‘girl’, ‘ma’, ‘mevrou’, etc? And why do they refuse to acknowledge my feelings and thoughts on this matter?
The answers, I’m sure, are complex. I’m sure, also, that the answers intersect many issues; I am a youngish black woman who knows what she wants. I also know just how much and in what size I want it.
But let’s explore the reactions of the people who are unsure of how to deal with me. The ‘mevrou’ thing only happens when I present my Afrikaans side. I’m starting to think that people now call any women ‘mevrou’, no matter her marital status. My objection to that is a post for another day, though. Hint: something about the status of single women not being on equal footing with that of married women.
I once spoke to someone who insisted on calling me ‘mevrou’. His reaction when I asked him to please not call me ‘mevrou’? He said that he also doesn’t enjoy it when people call him ‘meneer’ because he associates it with old people. But he is male, so I understand why people tend to call him ‘meneer’. But I’m not married so the label ‘mevrou’ doesn’t apply to me.
I often tell people that I am not a girl. And then they ask me whether I’m a boy. This is the point that I find difficult – why are those infantalising words – ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ – the only options? So I tell them I am a woman. And then they laugh. I find it interesting that they find it funny when someone calls herself a woman. We don’t find it funny when men call themselves men. Right?
Perhaps one reason for this is that we no longer find beauty in mature women. So we’re reluctant to call ourselves ‘women’ and not ‘girls’. I can understand the reluctance to use the w-word; I can understand where the laughter comes from: we associate ‘woman’ with someone who is much, much, much older than I am. Probably someone in her 60s or 70s. And they think they’re complimenting me by calling me ‘girl’.
The people who call me ‘ma’ or ‘mama’ think they’re respecting me by doing so. Then I ask them what they call women who do not have children. What about women who can’t have children?
Shouldn’t we respect people regardless, no matter whether they can have children or not?
And is it not respectful to respect people’s naming preferences?
Dear Jane Doe,
Meeting you at an airport check point will proove unpleasant at “Excuse me Dear, but your passport just fell out of your pocket.” You see, when you head out, you’ll have this ID document but will neglect to wear it about your neck as one ought. I would imagine you already prance about town with your name on every T-shirt and blazer you own, to make it easier on the infantilising crowds bent on keeping you ‘forever-girl’.
Khehla, Gogo, Mkhulu, Sisi etc- these words are useful- call a stranger ‘hhe?’ and you are certifiably insane- at least where I’m from. It means you are negating that persons’ worth, presence and possible contribution to society as a whole. What does one call a stranger? I’d sooner infantalise you that mataphorically erase and negate your being, I do not know you but I feel I have the responsibility at least to back up my ‘Sawubona’. My nieces and nephews are khehla ‘granpa’ or gogo ‘granma’ before they are anything else- they can teach us a lot- we also need to remember to honour young ones- i use these words when addressing friends, people i am fond of who are nowhere near old age but who happen to be people i have a great fondness and respect.
i worry about the energy you are bound to waste- getting riled up on being called ‘miss, mah, sisi and mevrou’ by people who’ve missed the ‘I am such and such’ banner about your neck. Maybe you could harness all that energy and use it to start something amazing.
just a thought sisi nothing to it.
That’s a good point, I hate it when people call me Dear, it sounds very condescending and patronizing. I don’t like Ma’am as it sounds crass or like something a sound a sheep would make. Madam sounds like I run a brothel. I tell people to call me Miss or Ms. I’m surprised you don’t like girl, because really it’s the equivalent to GUY (well other than GAL which sounds stupid) and that’s what men call themselves always these days. Grrrl is NOT for little kids, it’s a adult female that believes in equal rights. so I do hope if you do take offense to being lumped into “you guys”. If you don’t take offense to that, then I’d be really confused.
Hi M
I don’t think ‘girl’ is the equivalent of ‘guy’. But you’re correct about my aversion to ‘you guys’. Unless the group of people only consists of men.
But we should all be free to decide what people should call us. And the people who call us ‘dear’ and ‘girl’ shouldn’t become defensive about it; they should give us that freedom.
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